im · trying · honesty.

i just dont get how a place, a lousy little spec on a map, can sweep you right off of your feet and leave you so winded.

fuck i miss it.

summer '09.

-bermuda to vist the brother.
-summer class; women and native religions.
-italy(round 2), france and spain with ms. K eating.
-morocco. mountains, deserts, mosques and camels.
-a wee bit of the UK to see kita.
-a maybe last month of summer spent on a canadian coast.

i just finished the take home for another class. feeling really good about it. decided to treat myself to some boustans!

sitting in boustons, its packed. packed with people all sitting and facing the huge tv. watching sport reports. "can you believe what Avery did?!???"
you'd think it was a story about the coalittion, or Kony not signing the peace deal again, or the attacks in mumbai.
but no, as long as Avery gets whats coming to him....

bright side. boustan falafel saves my life.

big decisions made.
new lease signed.
too much time in the library.
a biig biiiiig goodbye next week.

not enough sleep.

 i think that my least favorite feeling is being disappointed in the people i truly care about. A really does mean the world to me; that one person who i would stop time for if i could. but consistently, she lets herself down. lets me down. and would let down all the people who she doesn't let into her world in the first place. she gets tossed around and told whose boss and sometimes im not even sure if she remembers how to stand on her own two feet. did she ever even learn how to in the first place? this has all just become way too normal for her that im not even sure if she realizes that she deserves so much more. im there for her; the one who will tell her to stand up to the bad people, but if i keep getting run all over i dont know how long ill be able to be there. 

lighter notes;
-i talked to my wonderful Uganda today! it was his 23rd birthday. $10 for a phone card -- so well worth it. it had been so long since ive heard so many "mmms" and "so nices" in one conversations. he cried when i told him who it was and when i said i had to go. we tried to pack a million stories into those 16 minutes. not enough time. never enough. 
-C and M never cease to amaze me. C, even amongst her temper tantrums, is so consistently there for me when i need it most. sometimes even when i haven't even told her so. Im so proud of M. she's come so far and inspires me daily. she tells me all the time how much ive done for her but im not sure if she realizes that the feeling is just so mutual!
-i neglected all the things that i should of done today for coffee with J and M (and then chinese spherical delights (hah!) with M). i kinda needed that, although i should of been studying. but it was worth it.

------
sometimes gulutown seems like just too much of a blur to of happened. 

oh and i went to the super bowl on sunday night. what a bizarre event. too many drunk albertans and adds for jim carrey movies. 

im not quite sure if i just want to be spending more and more time alone, or im wanting to spend less and less time with you.
ugh.

what a week. big ups. big downs.

ran into farnush in canadian tire (where i unsuccessfully was shopping for giant bins to use for moving). typical "catching up" (what are you up to lately? how's the fam? where are you living. yadayada) followed by the bombshell that Saman had just passed. diabetees got the best of her...at 22 years of age. (doesn't that type of thing happen when you are old? hm.) Saman. samantha rivet. highschool memories started to hit me like bricks. shedding tears in canadian tire, right by the fake christmas trees; classy. calling N to tell her (first time ive called her in years for reasons other than calling her on stealing from me. (what a friend...)). ton of bricks.

also, being accused of plagiarism all because some fucking beefhead john molson idiot getting caught looking at my exam in class. "well how can we prove you weren't in on it". *(&(*%&^*&($%$^%#%$@%.
eesh.

ps. ctv news reports that people with dwarfism in ecuador never get cancer. hm.
pps. cure for ms. found. (not legal here yet. but found). now maybe i won't be as chicken shit to get my yearly testing.
ppps. chris blattman is in liberia. i miss my morning read.

alrighty there.
i am downright sick of all these allergic reactions.
not impressed.

 hm.
looks like ill be spending christmas in Bermuda with the fam....
weiiird.

party-ing hardy-ing.
kitten cuddle-ing.
aquinas writte-ing.
cold weather bike-ing.
pea soup eat-ing.
halifax dream-ing.
life love-ing.

made: $6 at Scopps and im set for the rest of the week library munchies.
made: 9 glorious hours of sleep.
made: a box of mix-tapes (cds), express post from matt.
made: AND a mug with a moose on it. mmmmmm.moose<3

ruined: possibily not being able to get out to halifax in two weeks. gah.

OHH and;
made: taking the night off school stuff tonight to have a MUCH needed dinner and movie date with a lovely! eee!

emails from Janani just light up my day. my week. (uganda)
getting back in touch with Judsel, just amazing.  (venezuela)  i miss my sister!

too busy for words. and someone how love it.
such quality people throw in there (between the mid-terms and deadlines).
including fantabulous study buddys. kings and queens, i tell you!

-- this is what its all about!

(ohand...75% at Gdft montreal this weekend! huzzah!)

-- this is how it should be.

im going to miss my brother. 

my better halves are all grown up.

you took my trust and had sex in it's roommate's bed.
classy.

ps. on an unrelated note; halifax left me this morning. but ill be there in less than 3 weeks.
phiew.

this weekend marks a year since Jose as been in my life.
this weekend marks a year of honesty.
--i guess its rather fitting that this weekend is thanksgiving.

i miss nikki something fierce.
i miss who i am with nikki.

england is too far.

Helen Downie has saved my life.
i dont think ive been ever so grateful for another human being.

life saver. saver of my life.
liiife.

i have never ever felt so much gratitude in my entire life.

and knowing someone cares that much has is such an amazing feeling.

again, lifesaver.

im regrouping.
its lovely.
im cozy and comfy in this sweater weather with my textbooks, chai lattes and wonderful study-budy company.
day in. day out.

keeping my eye on the prize.

(ps. matt is coming to montreal for thanksgiving. wooopli!!!)